i'm sorry for the lack of discretion

i'm sorry for the lack of discretion. there was a lack of comprehension, sensitivity and intellect that therefore causes me to bitch about it here. i may come off like a prick, but most of you know that i don't act or talk in this way often so there is a perfectly good reason behind this. i'm seriously ticked off. also note that the word "fuck" was meant to have been liberally spread in between sentences but i decided to clean up my tongue because i wouldn't want to sound like you. if you didn't understand that, i wouldn't be surprised, heck i've had enough surprises that distasteful and wasted day. i'm not looking for sympathy. i don't give a shit. what i want is an apology. a real one. [hint]

bonus! SPELLING IT OUT FOR YOU!

i hope that the people whom i wrote this post for may read the following text in a light-hearted (that is to say, don't cry like a baby) manner and possibly read it without recognizing the angry subtext (shouldn't be too hard cause you aced it the first time [i just really needed to vent]) and take in the meaning and intention of my actions and finally do what is necessary.

i also hope that my fellow partners-in-crime (which you would call us) take a stand and say something about the crap things that you sent us. whilst i do not want a full blown separation of our fond gang, i just don't want to take any more shit than i have to.

also this is between us, so don't go around showing this to other people. ie people who would side with you. much explicitly your parents. (my readers wouldn't give a shit. they don't know you.)

to common friends, there must be a polite way to say that this is none of your business, but the words escape me right now. that being said, please do stay out of the way and enjoy the prose (oh yes i know, i'm a prick. but they were prickier [is there such a word?]) that will ensue. i ask that your perception of x and y not be changed because of what you may have heard or read because each person is entitled to a life without prejudice. judge them when you meet them. judge me when you meet me. own up to our actions.

i hope that you all thought about what you wrote first before writing. i know i did and i do. spelling doesn't count kiddies, i'm playing my cards right. i hope you were fully digesting them before you send them in response to me, but if you insist that you have then read on. if you want to rewrite your message in a manner more respectable and correct (yes i have the balls to say this because i know we were wronged that day) then please don't read this yet. rephrase your communication and if the wronged party still isn't satisfied, then read the entry.

starting...

namnamin ninyo ang mga disclaimer bago magbasa. i mean it.


the nature of apologies is quite strange. it gets stranger when you expect it. you're really supposed to earn it. the nature of my apology was quite subtle. it really meant nothing but the letters "o" "r" "s" "s" "y" juxtaposed in such a way that they form the word "sorry" (vocab, please do learn what it means.) [don't say that i'm an asshole because you don't seem to understand the nature and etiquette behind it.] that being said, we have something to earn and you didn't earn it.

vocab 1. SORRY

i did no wrong. whatever you may pinpoint i will have a counter argument. let's give it a try? the only remotely wrong thing i did was go off and do my thing when you had to decide. but then again you and deciding just don't go together that well now do you (laugh about it, it's funny. i'm not kidding.) in the short (very short compared to what you did) time that i spent doing my thing, you could've decided to do something. whether or not it would be the right or wrong thing is another paragraph (oh yes, the nitty-gritty.) if you had decided to take your selfish route then you should've told us so we could've argued over it, and resolved it that fast. by delaying the inevitable you made matters worst. your saying that there will be a chance later on but knowing full well that you will be saying no is disgusting. your reasons for not joining us are subject to much debate in logic and maturity. but then again it is an acceptable and feasable argument that everyone is entitled to their beliefs. and i respect that. (no, this is not a quotable with which you can trap me.) that could have been the case whilst we were at the planning stages. but it is clearly not the case anymore is it?

vocab 2. commitment, next time/second chance

in case you don't remember, this thing was a commitment. we gave our word. also, this was the next time/second chance. remember last year? shall i dig up our communication before to prove my point? (19 but not ulyanin i hope, or selective memorization.)

the 19 argument. act like it.

vocab 3. maturity

done reading? no? seriously? ok, let's continue (don't tell me i'm immature by doing this, if i am, i !@#$king deserve to act this way)

BONUS! SUBTEXT (understand it, it will help.)

i meant for you to think about what you did and said. unlike most men that you know, i actually rethink about what i say. so rethink before your finger goes on auto-pilot. be mature and own up to your actions instead of crying (figurative and literal) and redirecting the blame to the most convenient figure.

granted my expectations were blatantly dashed to pieces, i still believe that there is a future. in short...

grow up.

you are 19, act like it. no dearie, crying doesn't work.

vocab 4. cry

i've seen a lot of people cry. real people with their real problems. they cried because of their frustrations with their dreams. they cried because they lost family. they cried because they lost opportunities. they cried because life was hard for them. you had no right to cry. get out of your comfort zones. stop believing everything you watch (in short, cut down on anime, it affects your reasoning. [just you.])

i'd like to try and understand you guys. i can put myself in your shoes. i can see how you were brought up (this isn't condescension.) you may have been used to getting things done your way, or seen it happen and now want to try it. but in the real world (not that sheltered environment you call home) it just doesn't work that way unless you are filthy rich and insanely smart.


peace the fuck out. (if you don't get this [i'm sorry dear readers but i must guard myself from future arguments] ... it'd just be really sad.)


you know what you have to do. if not refer to HINT. it's the right thing to do. again, if you think about any counter-arguments, rethink. 2nd floor? WTF? the entrance isn't even there. we didn't have to sound angry/act that way? there might be a case for it but remember we were wronged. and oh what, do you need to be babied? then i'm sorry i sounded angry (i guess speaking straight english with a firm voice is angry. don't watch CNN, it might be too hard for you.)

again since we finish here. please try and read beyond the angst, i'll deal with my own disappointment. you start crafting an apology. a decent one, because when everything comes down, it was your fault. your fault for not telling us earlier is the most lenient error we can impose on you.

if not let your guilt eat you up. remember, there were many things that we could've done that time (specially me, you know it.)


so swallow your pride and apologize.

we can "forget" together. vocab pa ba.

[by the way if you insist on carrying on with this charade then refer to the communication we have sent before and see if there is anything you would like to comment on with m statements. i know i'd like to comment on yours. but i was trying to be the bigger man.]

vocab 5. bigger man

it's hard. i've been through a lot of shit recently i don't need more shit from you so let's fix this and be over and done with.

acknowledge that you were selfish (vocab pa ba?) and insensitive to us and overly sensitive to yourselves. think about it before you choose to do another thing. kasalanan ninyo talaga, admit it and do the right thing. the last time mukhang one half lang sinabi ninyo (ginawa? i'm not sure.)

reread your stuff, it has spoiling for a fight written all over it. this latest one is different as the intentions are different and it is more personal (it's my blog) so excuuuuuse me if i sound angry NOW.

again, tapusin na at tapusin na. at

remember, remember, the 26th of december,
i don't think anyone should forget
of wrongs left to foment
of rights shadowed by selfishness.

this isn't cute. it just really sucks because i was supposed to write a review on a brilliant movie i saw and then i read the 2nd communication. nakakasira lang talaga ng diskarte. (no not v for vendetta :D)

well, i've rambled on long enough. thanks for reading, i hope it was fun. (it could've been a lot more insulting, believe me.)

in the end, i'm not angry. i don't hate any of you. i'm just really really disappointed.

drained

i'm just seriously pissed off at missing to nstp insertions one after the other. missing a 20 point sa quiz because i was late and also not getting to pick my groupmates for the same subject.

tangina ano ba yan! ayusin mo nga buhay mo!

there's little left of the days to be spent on campus, i've 2 long tests and 2 papers and 1 report. i have to make the most of it.

invisible

i think i should stop helping people.

it's one thing to be unappreciated, but hated? now this is not worth it.

to the ingrates, if you manage to stumble upon my blog. grow up. seriously. stop being so selfish and think about the other side of the fence. did you see the sacrifices? the effort? the patience? dammit, don't go around blaming me for your shortcomings if the terms of my influence weren't even clearly stated. oh and yeah, it would've helped if you guys just told me straight-up that you didn't want it that way. i SPECIFICALLY said i was open to whatever things you might want to say or add. SPECIFICALLY. nahihiya ba kayo nun? ok, i'll accept that pithy excuse. but nonetheless, it isn't my fault and thus you have no right to hate me. if anything i should hate you guys for not even bothering to have the common courtesy to inform me that i shouldn't [this word leaves a lot to be discussed] be around to help out anymore.

grow up. matatanda na kayo.

i know everything is done already but still finding this out from someone else is something else. vague for a reason. i'm over it. and i'm glad with what you produced. but get your feelings straight. kung magagalit kayo, dapat nasa tamang lugar kayo. and by the way, its sucks to have people lying to your face. i was perfectly polite, i deserve better.

and now the philo. it's annoying that i get burned for helping out [this covers a lot of other topics]. a harmless post becomes an argument? it really is amazing how differently people react to the things you do. each and every person is coming from a different place and time and influence. it really is a challenge to tailor your actions for favorable outcomes. a simple comment may be followed by an acknowledgement, or it can be blown out of proportion by a rancorous argument. life's crazy. everything around us is unique. i know that we generally remember only the shortcomings, as i am inclined to know ravaging this keyboard with pent-up angst. but dammit it really gets you down when you were good intentioned and then get burned. i really should shut up now. or shut up.

ftw.

it'd be nice to hear a real thank you from time to time, and a sorry from people who've hurt you.



OT
i screwed up my auditions! don't wanna talk about it. let's just leave it for another post, i'll do it in chinese.

another door opens.